If y’all recall in a previous post affectionately titled “Changes”, I happened to mention that indeed things were changing, unfortunately I feel so much anxiety. In the past few months our church youth group has been undergoing a lot of changes, our director leaving, my husband originally volunteered me to do youth group. I will admit I did not want to do it, I was not excited, it was not on the list of things in life I wanted to do.
Well, now here I am. Sitting in an office at least 2 days a week and trying to create the calendar, plan fundraising events, and keep the parents involved as well as keep the teenagers interested, while still carrying a full course load and trying to find another job. I have found myself to be stretched a bit…actually alot too thin.
Taking on the responsibility of handling the paper work and making sure the rest of this season goes smoothly, I have lost my connection with God through this process. Not lost as in “never to be found” or that I don’t believe in God anymore. I simply mean that when this started I became closer to God through watching h teenagers learn, I became closer through the teaching while being with them and continuing on my own. This past week I have made more phone calls, emails, calendar changes, budget decisions, planning needs than I have ever done for a single organization. As I sat stareing at my inbox on friday I realized…this is not about God anymore. The work I am doing has become about the kids coming to have a good time and learn about God, not them learning about God and having fun while doing so. Which is how it started…
While we were in Berea I felt God. He ran through my veins, oozed from my pores, and filled my heart. Since we have been back I feel like I have lost that feeling. I am yearning to feel that way again. Yearning for Him to speak to me, hoping that what I am doing for this youth group will start to become what it was, a way to glorify God! It feels more like a job more than me trying to lead these young people to God. It has become a thorn in the side of my spiritual life. That trip to Berea changed my life. I shared stories from my life with these girls that only a few in my life know about and they shared with me. We recited scripture together, we cried together, we learned together, WE WORSHIPED TOGETHER! Nothing was more profound that watching these teenagers sing with the band and throw their hands in the air to worship!! I have never put my hands up to worship, but I did then. In those moments I felt my closest to Him.
Now everything is all mixed up. I don’t want to feel like I am working for the church, I want to work for God. It is starting to hinder my relationship with God. Instead of taking a step forward I feel like I have fallen down a few stairs. I want to show these young people all things are possible and full of love with the peace given by the Father.
I don’t want to feel this empty anymore. I feel myself slowly falling back into an old pattern of losing sight of Him and holding onto the earthly ideas of life. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR GOD! So far this struggle is becoming the priority, being a firm believer that once God becomes the center everything else falls into place. There is an example I would like to share but it requires me to make a video and I just don’t feel like it at the moment 🙂 Y’all will just have to stay tuned and I will get it done.
Thank You for reading and helping through this journey.
George. & Jessica. 