What is “Real”?!?

Recently I recieved a message from one of my “friends” informing me that I am not a “REAL” Christian because I support planned parenthood. Upon asking her why she thinks this her answer was a tad bit shocking. She said I was not a “REAL” Christian because I support abortion….WHICH COULD NOT BE FARTHER FROM THE TRUTH. My blood was boiling! Not only was this completely random, but when the day of judgement comes my choices are between God and I; not “her”. Shocking does not even describe…..well how it made me feel.

Then that reply was followed by another quoting scripture and pretty much super judgemental and dashing my upbringing, beliefs, choices, PARENTING, and my character. Newslfash that tells me more about you than me sweetheart. 🙂 I have not made it a secret about what beliefs I keep; or the reasons why.

I have said this many times over and will say it here for the last time. I support planned parenthood for its ability to give affordable birth control of all forms to women with/without insurance. I support planned parenthood for its resorces to educate others on safe sex, STDs, womens healthcare, and MENS healthcare!!!! It is not about abortion people, dont be naive. Pro-Choice is what I choose to be because I hate saying, “im pro-life unless it is under special circumstances” That seems like the safe answer and it seems to start arguments. Most people have had conversations with me on many of those taboo topics and we are still friends, WHY you ask is because we are honest and understand where the other is coming from. Being the most understanding and non-judgemental person is sometimes a pain.

By no means does that mean that I am a push over, I am just curious of the way others feel and think. Must be the science nerd in me. Then it got me thinking…”real” why did she choose this word….why is she so quick to slap a label on others? Why is this so important to her? The answer, I am clueless.

Truth be told I started writting because I was upset, and now, that feeling has passed and I am not really sure what to say or how to respond. This issue for me is not cut and dry. Which is why I belive it is hard for me to vocalize. That is an issue between God and I. Everyone is on thier own journey with faith and the Lord. I just can never understand why some are so quick to point fingers instead of helping to gain understanding and possibly teach others.

All right…well I think I have pissed off enough people tonight….Goodnight!

Thank You for Reading!

Half Full? Half Empty?

If y’all recall in a previous post affectionately titled “Changes”, I happened to mention that indeed things were changing, unfortunately I feel so much anxiety. In the past few months our church youth group has been undergoing a lot of changes, our director leaving, my husband originally volunteered me to do youth group. I will admit I did not want to do it, I was not excited, it was not on the list of things in life I wanted to do.

Well, now here I am. Sitting in an office at least 2 days a week and trying to create the calendar, plan fundraising events, and keep the parents involved as well as keep the teenagers interested, while still carrying a full course load and trying to find another job. I have found myself to be stretched a bit…actually alot too thin.

Taking on the responsibility of handling the paper work and making sure the rest of this season goes smoothly, I have lost my connection with God through this process. Not lost as in “never to be found” or  that I don’t believe in God anymore. I simply mean that when this started I became closer to God through watching h teenagers learn, I became closer through the teaching while being with them and continuing on my own. This past week I have made more phone calls, emails, calendar changes, budget decisions, planning needs than I have ever done for a single organization.  As I sat stareing at my inbox on friday I realized…this is not about God anymore. The work I am doing has become about the kids coming to have a good time and learn about God, not them learning about God and having fun while doing so. Which is how it started…

While we were in Berea I felt God. He ran through my veins, oozed from my pores, and filled my heart. Since we have been back I feel like I have lost that feeling. I am yearning to feel that way again. Yearning for Him to speak to me, hoping that what I am doing for this youth group will start to become what it was, a way to glorify God! It feels more like a job more than me trying to lead these young people to God. It has become a thorn in the side of my spiritual life. That trip to Berea changed my life. I shared stories from my life with these girls that only a few in my life know about and they shared with me. We recited scripture together, we cried together, we learned together, WE WORSHIPED TOGETHER! Nothing was more profound that watching these teenagers sing with the band and throw their hands in the air to worship!! I have never put my hands up to worship, but I did then. In those moments I felt my closest to Him.

Now everything is all mixed up. I don’t want to feel like I am working for the church, I want to work for God. It is starting to hinder my relationship with God. Instead of taking a step forward I feel like I have fallen down a few stairs. I want to show these young people all things are possible and full of love with the peace given by the Father.

I don’t want to feel this empty anymore. I feel myself slowly falling back into an old pattern of losing sight of Him and holding onto the earthly ideas of life. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR GOD! So far this struggle is becoming the priority, being a firm believer that once God becomes the center everything else falls into place. There is an example I would like to share but it requires me to make a video and I just don’t feel like it at the moment 🙂 Y’all will just have to stay tuned and I will get it done.

Thank You for reading and helping through this journey.

Practically A Stranger

When my siblings and I, ((mainly Joshua, Zachary, and I)) were growing up, we never really knew how large our family was. When it came to my mom’s side we all knew everyone. Right down to the ancestry…but my dad’s side was a bit harder to grasp. As I have gotten older I have tried to reconnect where the veins that keep a family together began ((or when I was old enough to notice)) to fray. Thinking back on the aunts and uncles on my dads side whom I don’t know, I soon realized it was for good reason, and it showed how much Daddy loves us. The ones I do know sometimes I wish some one else. other than myself, would pick up the phone just to talk. To let me in on their lives just a little bit. Or at least send a christmas card, or a declined RSVP to my wedding, or answer a RSVP for a bridal shower. George and I want to reconnect the family unit and bring everyone together, but you can lead a horse to water…but you can’t make it drink…

On the flip side there are many aunts and uncles on my dad’s side that George and I pray for everyday. The drug and alcohol addictions…thanking God my dad didn’t want us around all that. My Papa Don was an extraordinary man. I loved him, everything about him. He tried to teach me about cars 🙂 Always had a story to tell. I miss him an awful lot. He has been gone since 2007 and it pains me to know that his name has been smeared before and after his death. While I chose to not keep “MOODY” legally, I will always and forever be Jessica Danielle Moody. A name that I am very proud of, it is my father’s name, my grandfather’s name…

I am angry at the very fact that my dads family ((meaning us children and my mom)) were somewhat out casted. After Papa died I had hoped it would somewhat bring us together, but it just lead to more aggravation, and some seriously fucked up people still trying to get a dead mans money. Then my dad got screwed out of just a few things that my he wanted to pass down to us, so we could remember papa, but that didn’t happen. Drugs and greed do that to people.

In any case I feel like I am practically a stranger that no one is willing to give the time of day. Blood means nothing when there is no sincerity. I wanted to share so many things with them. My marriage, my life, myself, my children…I want them to want to know me, it is painful to know that after all these years they still don’t care. The realization that they never cared is even more painful. Papa never forgot, Papa loved us. I can name the people who have come and go, I can name the people whom I thought cared. I can count the awkward encounters between them and I where I knew they didn’t want to speak to me. I have always been “the other niece” or if I happened to see them with a new person here is how it goes,” hey”…

relative : “hi how are you”

I’m great how are you?

relative : ” good, oh …this is Jessica, my niece”

new person: “is she the one you always talk about”

relative : ” no that’s ….the pretty one, Jessica is the smart one”

Smart is a complement but still, who knew being compared to someone else could suck so bad…i know i have used that conversation before but that is what showed me I may never have a relationship with that side of my dads family. And I thank God everyday that my dad decided to not raise us around those junkies. I am so thankful that when I did meet them it was under good circumstances. But that never lasts long…

It’s disgusting that when I say, Don Sr was my grandfather I get a rash of questions about his other children, or an estranged ex-wife or girlfriend. At the core of him he was an excellent man who did anything for his children, and some of them took him for granted. It is disgusting. I wish I could turn the clock back and spend more time with him. Alas I can’t so his pictures will continue to be on my shelf, and the memories will forever be with me. I have very few of him so they are very important to me. And here he is, Thank you for listening to my rant. It has been bothring me for many years.

Have I Mentioned…

….how much I really hate hospitals. I hate them! I get worried when I walk in the door. I walk into some places into them and they smell like death. Most people don’t know it but, suffering and death have a smell. Plus I hate looking at the face of people I love and seeing them A)in pain or B) with a foot on a banana peel and the other in the grave. SO!! Here goes another day of….aggrivation, my mother is in the hospital as well….right down the hall from my Pa!! GO FREAKIN FIGURE! Well anyways she has a blood clot in both of her lungs. She is doped up on morphine at the moment…so thus far 2012 is sucking something sour, awful, and terrible. She has a large clot in her right lung and a smaller one in her left, they have her on blood thinners, and I am really crossing my fingers that this gets her to quit smoking….kinda the sunshine through the clouds if you will…

 

God has a plan for everything. He has such a bigger plan for us all, whether it be to change our lives with just stopping smoking or whatever it may be. His plan is the only plan that matters, it is quite obvious if I had my way…neither one of them would be in the hospital everything would be back to normal and this year would be awesome start to finish. Now….not so much

I just need a lot of patience and a lot of prayer. To lift my problems and sorrows to Him and let Him handle it.

On a MUCH brighter note, church is great!! I love Mattituck Presbyterian! Rev. Gaffga is so funny and he makes it fun. So different from what I am used to. In his bulletin he includes a weeks worth of verses to be read daily and I LOVE IT! It is a lesson everyday!! I get my daily dose of jesus and I am getting help in understanding! WOOT! Plus we are getting the counseling started through the church, all though it looks like we may be the only couple…I am definitely ok with that. Bring it on pre-marital counselling!!

Day 18: Big 5

This is the day where I list 5 things I dislike about the opposite sex. As well as the same sex. Oh this should be fun…

This seems to be very hard. I have sat for the past couple of days to figure it out. I still sort of have an answer. Here goes nothin’…

Five Things I dislike about Males. (not in any particular order)

1. Macho Wacho attitudes. Just because I am a woman doesn’t mean I don’t know how to pump my own gas, or change a tire.

2. Crude noises…seriously need I go on

3. Obvious disregard for others feelings

4. No organization except his car

5.

I am leaving the last one open so I can still think about what bothers me…I have more for the women 🙂

Five Things I dislike about Females. (again not in any particular order)

1. Identify themselves with clichés

2. Dumb themselves down to fit in

3. Define others by what is worn

4. Superficial

5. Pretend to be…(finish with your own imagination) 

Now, women try so hard to be some one else. (5) We pretend to be the hard ass, then go home and cry. Or we dress like we run the world when we would much rather be in pj’s. I am totally guilty of this behavior, and quite frankly I find it very sad. I want to be apart of something (1) I WILL never be dumbed down by anyone.(2) I judged people a lot in high school. (3) Others also judged me the same. I was always the girl thinking about what the popular girls thought of me. If I was good enough to be in their group. They were extremely (4) superficial.

Until finally I decided it is just fine and all the more fulfilling to be me. I am loved for me, the others dont matter. God loves me for me, the good, the bad, and the ugly.

I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. – Galations 2:20 

I Need a Moment…

I really dislike having OCD. I also dislike having anxiety. So when they come together…it is not a pretty picture. I am a fan of planning and strategy. So when things go unexpected…you get the picture.

 

Granted I am blessed to not have the OCD  like most people. I don’t have to wash my hand 5 times before leaving, mine is not that extreme but it REALLY REALLY REALLY freakin annoying. I’ll internalize the issue then it all blows up at once. UGH!

So I have a “need to be clean issue” I take extremely hot showers and it takes me a good 15 minutes to just wash my hair and bathe. Then it takes me another 5 minutes to make sure all the soap is gone. I have anxiety during my shower…”what if I don’t get all the conditioner out” “what if…” It changes from shower to shower then i think about what would happen if I forgot said thing…if I feel upset or sad…I need a shower. If I am nervous I rub my hands together violently, till they are red and sore. I’ve hurt myself from time to time and I never realize I am doing it till George brings it to my attention… I Hate it…with a capital H!

My strategy is a bit weird. I do things in an order then…all of a sudden ADOB happens.

ADOB: Attention Deficite Oh Butterfly…you see where I am going?

I will get distracted then start doing something else, like today. George was gone for most of the day and I was home cleaning and what not. Well I started to clean the living room, then I was putting away stuff from our trip to SC and it turned into me getting all the bathroom stuff and putting it away then cleaning the bathroom. Next, I again started to put away things from the trip…then I started to organize the books and stuff in the room getting rid of trash, but not actually unpacking the bags…Back up to earlier today we did some laundry, well now he is back home and I am doing my thing he walks into the bedroom…”you have got to be fucking kidding me” he says

Me, hearing what he said I ask, “whats wrong” George, “nothing” Me, ” I heard what you said whats wrong” He proceeds to fold clothes…I didn’t know whether to get mad, cry, or punch him in the face!! It makes me feel terrible that I have this problem. It makes me feel terrible that no matter what I do to try to make it not so bad….something is never right. I hate that George has to put up with this, I hate that I try so hard to fix it, I swear I feel like crawling into a corner and just cry. So I do what I normally do I handle what he is complaining about and I am by myself. I tell him I need to be alone and he gives it to me.

I am just so sick and tired of feeling like nothing is ever right when these things happen…or that I over think everything and it holds me back from making decisions sometimes….

 

I just wanted a moment to be mad and angry for a minute…..