Now What?

 

It is August, duh that’s obvious! College season is upon us. Whether one is returning to college for a new semester or starting freshman year new experiences are around every corner. Last year My husband and I had the amazing opportunity to be advisors to our youth group. Then I had the difficult task of being the stand in “administrator” (( I mostly did paperwork…and planning)) It was an experience that for the first time I looked into my teenage self 10 years ago. Actually took a look at her and into her. Spending time with these youths gave me, a third eye, so to speak, to see, so many beautiful, intelligent, and lost kids. Searching…all the time searching. Oh how lost I was…

Youth group is a different animal than most things I have worked with within any church I have been apart of. Struggling with maintaining a good relationship with the parent while still keeping the confidence and honesty with the youth. OUI VEY!!! Seeing a lot of potential promiscuous behavior and a lot of fear. Fear of not being welcomed into existing click, or whether to act a certain way to be equally welcomed in the attended school. As I looked at these girls, I saw a side of myself that one doesn’t realize is there. Hindsight is 20/20 right?

As we went to Berea that February 2013 I never expected to return with a deeper understanding of myself. A few particular girls stories were almost like mine. Stories of being lost, afraid, confused, and self-hatred…definitely hit a special place in my heart that will forever will be humbled by that circling moment in our girls cabin. Other advisors there already had children my age and were “cemented” into their beliefs and in their faith, as I sat and listened I felt compelled to share my journey. Most of the women I didn’t know very long, and the kids didn’t know me except I was the only young one around that didn’t seem to have a corn cobb up my butt. Or more relatable. Sharing my struggle with self loathing. I never took the SAT or the ACT. I hated myself for a very long time. Self-mutilating is an awful thing and I wish I hadn’t dived into that pool. I have very small scars that will never leave but me being ridiculous put them in places no one looks or “hidden”. Unless I look at myself getting in the shower…. Emotions are funny things all of a sudden you get a knot in your throat and all moisture leaves your mouth like you have sucked on a whole sleeve of saltines. Dealing with demons that WERE NOT MINE! But I felt responsible for. After having a backpack shoved in a trash can and soda poured on it, I thought there was no other life for me than that…I became bitchy and very mean.

I became “friends” with several of these girls on FB which sometimes seems more like a thorn than a rose. Seeing the thoughts and actions is SCARY! I want to shake them. There is life after high school. There are beautiful things God has planned!! Although remember your actions now will follow you. Misplacing anger to other students or family or your wrist is not healthy.

I didn’t want this to turn into me talking about my life. I didn’t want this to seem like I am searching for sympathy. I am praying and hoping that anyone driven to read this post feels something. Maybe to help a friend you know is going through something. Will compel your Christian part to become your only part. Let the words you say be words you mean and are stemmed from love or from a place of growth.

Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths

Watching some of these girls post pictures of themselves half-naked scares me. To me it is black and white, you put yourself out there like that don’t be surprised how boys see you. I see statuses like this, ” yo dat nikka thing dat ill be herr when he get out. duh I luvs him”

No Ma’am! Reality check sweetie! I KNOW you are smarter than this.

I tried to be dark, that wasn’t me. I tried to be preppy…that definitely wasn’t me. I found my place in band ((WOO GO PRIDE OF THE VALLEY)) and in NJROTC. A mess full of what seemed to be all misfits. Amazing moments happened, lifelong friends were made, I met my husband :). Not knowing what you want is ok but when it is destructive remember high school doesn’t last forever. It is just four years. Your life is your life!

As those college doors open and you decorate your dorm I hope ambition is oozing through your pores! When you receive whatever diploma or degree that is earned with hard work and diligence hoorah to you! Amazing things are coming, but you have to be able to drop the baggage and DROP THE ACT!!

Thank you for reading! I understand if this seems a bit scatter brained but…this is me, here I am!!

 

Half Full? Half Empty?

If y’all recall in a previous post affectionately titled “Changes”, I happened to mention that indeed things were changing, unfortunately I feel so much anxiety. In the past few months our church youth group has been undergoing a lot of changes, our director leaving, my husband originally volunteered me to do youth group. I will admit I did not want to do it, I was not excited, it was not on the list of things in life I wanted to do.

Well, now here I am. Sitting in an office at least 2 days a week and trying to create the calendar, plan fundraising events, and keep the parents involved as well as keep the teenagers interested, while still carrying a full course load and trying to find another job. I have found myself to be stretched a bit…actually alot too thin.

Taking on the responsibility of handling the paper work and making sure the rest of this season goes smoothly, I have lost my connection with God through this process. Not lost as in “never to be found” or  that I don’t believe in God anymore. I simply mean that when this started I became closer to God through watching h teenagers learn, I became closer through the teaching while being with them and continuing on my own. This past week I have made more phone calls, emails, calendar changes, budget decisions, planning needs than I have ever done for a single organization.  As I sat stareing at my inbox on friday I realized…this is not about God anymore. The work I am doing has become about the kids coming to have a good time and learn about God, not them learning about God and having fun while doing so. Which is how it started…

While we were in Berea I felt God. He ran through my veins, oozed from my pores, and filled my heart. Since we have been back I feel like I have lost that feeling. I am yearning to feel that way again. Yearning for Him to speak to me, hoping that what I am doing for this youth group will start to become what it was, a way to glorify God! It feels more like a job more than me trying to lead these young people to God. It has become a thorn in the side of my spiritual life. That trip to Berea changed my life. I shared stories from my life with these girls that only a few in my life know about and they shared with me. We recited scripture together, we cried together, we learned together, WE WORSHIPED TOGETHER! Nothing was more profound that watching these teenagers sing with the band and throw their hands in the air to worship!! I have never put my hands up to worship, but I did then. In those moments I felt my closest to Him.

Now everything is all mixed up. I don’t want to feel like I am working for the church, I want to work for God. It is starting to hinder my relationship with God. Instead of taking a step forward I feel like I have fallen down a few stairs. I want to show these young people all things are possible and full of love with the peace given by the Father.

I don’t want to feel this empty anymore. I feel myself slowly falling back into an old pattern of losing sight of Him and holding onto the earthly ideas of life. I WANT TO LIVE MY LIFE FOR GOD! So far this struggle is becoming the priority, being a firm believer that once God becomes the center everything else falls into place. There is an example I would like to share but it requires me to make a video and I just don’t feel like it at the moment 🙂 Y’all will just have to stay tuned and I will get it done.

Thank You for reading and helping through this journey.