It is August, duh that’s obvious! College season is upon us. Whether one is returning to college for a new semester or starting freshman year new experiences are around every corner. Last year My husband and I had the amazing opportunity to be advisors to our youth group. Then I had the difficult task of being the stand in “administrator” (( I mostly did paperwork…and planning)) It was an experience that for the first time I looked into my teenage self 10 years ago. Actually took a look at her and into her. Spending time with these youths gave me, a third eye, so to speak, to see, so many beautiful, intelligent, and lost kids. Searching…all the time searching. Oh how lost I was…
Youth group is a different animal than most things I have worked with within any church I have been apart of. Struggling with maintaining a good relationship with the parent while still keeping the confidence and honesty with the youth. OUI VEY!!! Seeing a lot of potential promiscuous behavior and a lot of fear. Fear of not being welcomed into existing click, or whether to act a certain way to be equally welcomed in the attended school. As I looked at these girls, I saw a side of myself that one doesn’t realize is there. Hindsight is 20/20 right?
As we went to Berea that February 2013 I never expected to return with a deeper understanding of myself. A few particular girls stories were almost like mine. Stories of being lost, afraid, confused, and self-hatred…definitely hit a special place in my heart that will forever will be humbled by that circling moment in our girls cabin. Other advisors there already had children my age and were “cemented” into their beliefs and in their faith, as I sat and listened I felt compelled to share my journey. Most of the women I didn’t know very long, and the kids didn’t know me except I was the only young one around that didn’t seem to have a corn cobb up my butt. Or more relatable. Sharing my struggle with self loathing. I never took the SAT or the ACT. I hated myself for a very long time. Self-mutilating is an awful thing and I wish I hadn’t dived into that pool. I have very small scars that will never leave but me being ridiculous put them in places no one looks or “hidden”. Unless I look at myself getting in the shower…. Emotions are funny things all of a sudden you get a knot in your throat and all moisture leaves your mouth like you have sucked on a whole sleeve of saltines. Dealing with demons that WERE NOT MINE! But I felt responsible for. After having a backpack shoved in a trash can and soda poured on it, I thought there was no other life for me than that…I became bitchy and very mean.
I became “friends” with several of these girls on FB which sometimes seems more like a thorn than a rose. Seeing the thoughts and actions is SCARY! I want to shake them. There is life after high school. There are beautiful things God has planned!! Although remember your actions now will follow you. Misplacing anger to other students or family or your wrist is not healthy.
I didn’t want this to turn into me talking about my life. I didn’t want this to seem like I am searching for sympathy. I am praying and hoping that anyone driven to read this post feels something. Maybe to help a friend you know is going through something. Will compel your Christian part to become your only part. Let the words you say be words you mean and are stemmed from love or from a place of growth.
Proverbs 3:5-6 Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths
Watching some of these girls post pictures of themselves half-naked scares me. To me it is black and white, you put yourself out there like that don’t be surprised how boys see you. I see statuses like this, ” yo dat nikka thing dat ill be herr when he get out. duh I luvs him”
No Ma’am! Reality check sweetie! I KNOW you are smarter than this.
I tried to be dark, that wasn’t me. I tried to be preppy…that definitely wasn’t me. I found my place in band ((WOO GO PRIDE OF THE VALLEY)) and in NJROTC. A mess full of what seemed to be all misfits. Amazing moments happened, lifelong friends were made, I met my husband :). Not knowing what you want is ok but when it is destructive remember high school doesn’t last forever. It is just four years. Your life is your life!
As those college doors open and you decorate your dorm I hope ambition is oozing through your pores! When you receive whatever diploma or degree that is earned with hard work and diligence hoorah to you! Amazing things are coming, but you have to be able to drop the baggage and DROP THE ACT!!
Thank you for reading! I understand if this seems a bit scatter brained but…this is me, here I am!!
George. & Jessica. 