Who Says…..

Changes scare the hell out of me. That is by far a common theme within my life. When I moved in with my parents; I was raised by my Nanny; and I changed middle schools. I remember my first day at LBC, standing in the yard and waiting to feel comfortable. Waiting to feel like I belonged there. Scared and trembling walking into this school trying not to let any one else know the amount of fear that was growing in the bottom of my belly.

As a teenager, trying new things didn’t seem so scary because everyone did it right? Somethings were definitely questionable but I seemed to have this new-found confidence. But I was wrong it was just a different type of fear. The brazen kind. A dangerous kind. Rebellious. My biggest decision was to move to New York and it was the best decision I ever made.

In 7 years living in NY I have learned so much about myself. I got married, am blessed with a beautiful little girl, only one thing was missing…the same thing that was missing on my first day at LBC…comfort. A deep connection and personal comfort. My parents, siblings,aunts, uncles, cousins all of my comfort was in SC. I couldn’t go to my Aunt Reese’s house to get good candy or a haircut. I couldn’t bug my mom for makeup or my dad to figure out something I obviously have no clue about.  Something still felt missing….

My husbands grandmother passed away recently and as we were there with the WHOLE family, a full house, my heart jumped leaps and bounds! Sitting down having a meal together and watching Little Red walk outside and play next door with her cousin (( 2 years older than her)) listening to their girlie giggles, I felt it. That need, that love, that comfort. The fear in my belly was gone, it was pure happiness. The in love butterfly flutters felt when in the arms of the love of your life. Warm Carolina air ( and pollen) blew past my cheeks into my nostrals all the way to my heart. I felt it, I knew it, it is time…

Watching as they played and giggled. Talking, sharing, and learning from one another. If Little Red said “I want Pawpaw” we would go see my daddy. If she wanted to play with her cousin, “ok go next door” we would walk over to the play area or to the house. I’ve never seen her sleep so hard.

So, I bet everyone is wondering what the point is…MOVING BACK TO SOUTH CAROLINA!!!!

I have NEVER been so happy or scared IN MY LIFE, but this feeling is too good to let go of!

I love my friends and family here.I  have come to love them beyond compare. They are some of the greatest people I have had the pleasure to know and to love. They have shown unconditional support and love.Not to mention I am scared to death of not fitting in in my own home town….Essentialy I came into my own here, made my own life here…..what now….whats next…………..

Whatever is next I feel completely ready for this journey to start. I am ready to accept this new chapter…Momma I’m Comin Home!

 

 

Who says you can’t go home! The Buckingham’s are coming home!

 

 

 

 

It Ends Here

HEY Y’ALL!!

It’s been a hot minute! I took a very long and needed break from distractions in my life to figure out…well…what exactly the distractions were. My last post I believe was September of 2014, and I do not regret taking so long to put my fingers back to the keys.

When I started this blog darkness and confusion were the words i usually used to describe my life, thoughts, and last but not least myself. Becoming parents not only shook up our lives, but our prespectives. Not to mention it showed us how to better communicate with eachother while we were trying to communicate and understand little Red (little miss sassy pants).

Alot has changed, we are in the process of buying a home, well….looking to buy one. Little Red is talking up a storm, full of attitude, and counting everything in site. Thankfully eating all her veggies too!! The biggest change for us was me finally understanding why my anxiety was so out of control. A four letter word that I have mentioned before. FEAR. Yup, thats what it came down to, once I grabbed ahold of it, started understanding why some actions, words, things ment so much to me. Or that the un realistic expectation I held was a wish not reality. My life is mine i can either LIVE IT and enjoy it. OR be afraid and never experience it.

Being a stay at home mom has also shifted my focus. No longer are the worries of not doing enough because I am working, or being to tired to have the patience to give my baby girl the attention and love she needs. Branching out of my comfort zone to put mysef back into social situations and say “eff you judgemental jerks” granted I realize I was judging myself.

Music has always been big in our home, Little Red makes me smile everytime she starts dancing. Finally geting up the nerve to tell my church that I wanted to join the worship team. “To HELL WITH STAGE FRIGHT” I thought to myself as the words fell out of my mouth. It is a passion of mine and i wont be told i have no talent to keep my mouth shut EVER again. Finding my other passions like doing makeup, painting on a real canvas!! HOW FUN! Baking! OH MUH GOSH! Check out my instagram yo…if your mouth doesnt start salivating we cant be friends….JUST KIDDING! Writing! IM BACK!!!! 🙂 Especially spending time with my husband, when i relax and just be in the moment thats when reality becomes better than dreams. He is mine, for the long haul, I couldnt have a better friend to do life with.

All in all growing is something we all go through. We grow from our fears and they become our strengths. Or you squish spiders…I WILL NEVER like spiders…hairy devils. ANY WHO! Thank you for sticking around, thank you for reading and I promise it will not take me a year to write again.

“Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sister, whenever you face trials of many kinds,because you know your faith produces perserverance.”

                                                                               — James 1:2-3 NIV

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I Am a Cryer…

Yes family and friends! I am finally admitting that I am a huge mush! Since becoming a mother it has gotten worse. Mattituck Presbyterian Church has become a very special place. The church that just 3 years ago I was terrified to walk into. WE ALL should learn it isn’t the size of the church, the people you know inside, OR the denomination on the sign that makes a community of Christians, it is all about the hearts. This church was/is very special to my husband and holds memories for him, now it does us, and now we welcome little Miss. Aubriegh into this special place.

These past couple Sundays there have been baptisms exactly the same as Aubrieghs will be, and from the start the tears just began to fall. Coming from the south your church family is most of the time some of your kin! Mattituck Presbyterian is so much more than a place of worship it is a home for the lost, a resting place for the weary, and a strong place to stay. I can never get through singing “Jesus Loves Me” my voice always cracks, tears hot on my cheeks, and you can feel the radiation of love fill this room. When ever we walk into church Aubriegh is most of the time NOT with me. 🙂 I adore the amazing women in this church. So willing and helpful, playing pass the baby is a weekly occurrence. I couldn’t be more overjoyed.

Watching Aubriegh fall asleep in the arms of a friend of ours, Meghan or Mrs. Debbie makes my heart melt. That is pure comfort! Being able to sleep through the choir, guitars, like she is at home.

Jesus is home. He opened his arms. You are a Child of God.

“Let the word of Christ dwell in you richly, teaching and admonishing one another in all wisdom, singing psalms and hymns and spiritual songs, with thankfulness in your hearts to God.”- Colossians 3:16

A while back my faith was somehow questioned, I am not sure why but I felt it, that bitter sting of judgment. I will go on a limb here and say I am NOT a fan of the whole denomination separation. Seems useless to me, we believe in God, we believe in his awesomeness, and that is fabulous by me! I honestly have NO CLUE what the difference is between a Presbyterian or otherwise, but I DO KNOW the church I attend preaches the word. The people LIVE BY THE WORD, and I trust my heart of hearts in knowing they’d die by the word.

The ceremony that is used in the baptism  is deeply personal for not just us. It is a personal experience for the community. Being a Christian is all about the community! To hold themselves accountable and be the example. It is beautiful and I am so happy to be  apart of such a beautiful community, I am OVER THE MOON for Aubriegh to grow up in this community. Never have I walked into a church and felt that warmth the moment you walk in, well….other than my own beloved Hollow Creek 🙂

I always cry, there is moment you think they are sharing this moment with us. Then I cry harder when I realize I’ll be laying a foundation for my daughter. I hope that I can…

thank you for reading!

 

 

I Come! I Come!

When I was a kid at Hollow Creek Baptist Church in SC, we sang this at the end of the service. A song so simple and yet so strong, it helps rethink what life has come to.This song has been inside my head since  I have been able to speak.

Just as I am, without one plea,
But that Thy blood was shed for me,
And that Thou bid’st me come to Thee,
O Lamb of God, I come! I come!

Don’t laugh at me! Yes it is old school but it is so powerful in its simplicity. Lately while I have been planning for my daughters baptism, I have been thinking a lot about what we need to teach her. What Nanny and Pa taught me, how will George and I be able to instill all the morals and values that make a genuine heart so pure and selfless, to show her life revolves around God.  Now that I read that back I am not even sure if it is understandable…but I think someone somewhere will understand. 🙂

As her baptism comes closer I cant help but think about how HUGE a deal this is for me, our family, our  FAMILIES. It is us standing in front of a community of Christians making a promise before God to teach her and be her example. This past Sunday Mr. Smith ( interim pastor) used a symbol that most of us use. He told a story of a  woman in his old church that always sat in church with her palms always upward. Making a bowl so to speak with her hands as if she was ready to hold something.  Or ready to receive. I want to teach Aubriegh to be ready to receive.

A childs mind is an amazing thing. They can be listening and you not know it and retain it like it’s air! Today Aubriegh was getting into something she shouldn’t have and I said “No Ma’am” she stopped, faked a cry, sat up and smiled. What a beautiful smile it was. In that moment it was as if she knew even though I told her no she understood what it ment and that I loved her. Just as she is. She is only 7 months…what an amazing thing.

Such a simple song can have so much meaning, I believe as a community if we all opened our palms upward a  bit more and said I come God, I come just as I am. I come to you with all my worries all my fears, I come for those who will not come themselves, I come for those whom don’t realize they need you, I come freely because that blood was shed for me…

 

Thank You for Reading!

Surrender

Not many people know other than family about some of the things going on in our lives, but this idea has been running around in my head for a very long time.

“I was struggling whether to title this anticipation or terrified. Both are describing me at the moment, being a new mom I find myself being paranoid about everything which I am told is a good thing. As you can see I used neither. Sitting here at 8 am at Stoneybrook Medical Center in the radiology department waiting….waiting for my daughter to be sedated to have an MRI. This mommy almost had to be sedated.” <– I wrote this the morning of St. Patricks Day the day of her MRI and believe me it was really scary…

When I was pregnant I was in great health, the things I kept hearing were, “wow you’re as close to textbook as possible” “she is perfectly placed and right on track” especially during the ultrasounds I always heard “every things looks great”.  At birth Aubriegh was born with a fatty tip of my pinky sized skin tag and a bone dimple at the base of her spine. After she was born I didn’t actually see her naked till after her pediatrician checked her. When he came into the room his face was straight and serious, it scared me ALOT. He told us that it looked as if she had Spina Bifida or some form of it…one can only imagine my devastation hearing that my baby who was barely 24 hours old has a serious condition broke my heart…

For DAYS I agonized over what I did wrong…if I could have hurt her in some way, then I was angry that during the anatomy screenings it didn’t show up. I began to pray through tears, nothing has ever made me feel so helpless. Thankfully we went for a second opinion with a pediatric neuro-specialist, and he scheduled an MRI. They decided since it was an easy thing to fix (( NOT spina bifida)) to go ahead and schedule for surgery because the tag where it was could easily become infected and cause a much bigger problem. Having to have my newborn sedated isn’t an easy thing, hearing her blood curdling screams as they put an IV in her tiny hand, and drew blood was even more terrible. My heart seemed to have stopped and what took minutes seemed like a lifetime. She had to fast and unfortunately her surgery didn’t happen till 12 hours later which was torture for me as she screamed because she was empty and I couldn’t  feed her.

I can handle the screaming, I can handle the crying, the worst part was watching the doctor as he walked away from me with my baby in his arms…I felt like my life was over. As I watched her already small face become smaller and smaller as they walked farther away all I could think of was dear god please let my otherwise healthy baby be alright. Guide their hands and bless them with judgement, I have never wanted to just sit at double doors in a fetal position and cry or run down the hall and take her back. I didn’t do either of those things, but I felt guilty, scared, and mostly helpless.

As I held my daughter in that hospital…her tiny frame in my arms, sweet face forming smiles, watching her sleep all I seemed to be able to say even if it only made me feel better, “if I could take your place I would” “Im so sorry”  My daughter has become my hero. Even though she won’t remember the surgery, or the many times she had to have blood drawn and held down to do so. She is an amazing gift from god that is truly the best part of me. I have never spend so much time in prayer. I have never spent so much time clinging to every moment, word, and smell of my babygirl. I have never crumbled in my husbands arms and completely surrendered myself  to God. This moment in my life really made me realize that I needed to let everything go to God. I’ve said it before that I have been “moved” or “full of grace” but never have I felt to completely SURRENDER. As  I kept saying those phrases, I gave praise to God. There is someone that took my place, and his name is Jesus. It should have been me hanging on that cross. Jesus took my place…

My daughter is perfectly healthy. Grace be to God. Walking humbly before the Lord has become a goal in my daily life as well as letting him guide me. Listening and patiently waiting for his signs that this is the right moment to act. Or that I need to hold back and wait some more. Recently I have been feeling somewhat overwhelmed with all the blessings and I noticed I became a bit….cocky. As if this new feeling of surrender somehow made me “ahead” of the rest of my Christian community. I went to my tv stand and started watching Fireproof, Courageous, and Facing the Giants, I needed immediate examples of humility and humbleness! As silly as it sounds it was something I needed to see not read. As many of you know I am very musical and there is a song in the movie Fireproof that I have put on repeat a few times,

 

I am so thankful for they healthy family I have. My marriage has never been stronger, Aubriegh is beautiful and healthy, my faith in God has NEVER been stronger, finally learning what surrendering yourself mind, body, and soul is an amazing feeling and being able to share my faith with others whether it is this blog, my family, my job, or my church family is an even bigger blessing. Just waiting for whatever next step the Lord had for us. 🙂

“I’m waiting
I’m waiting on You, Lord

Aubrieghs first time in church

And I am peaceful
I’m waiting on You, Lord
Though it’s not easy
But faithfully, I will wait”

 

Thank You for reading! And listening!

Isn’t it Funny

This feeling inside 🎶 gotta love Elton John 🙂

The irony that surrounds our daily lives can sometimes be more daunting than coincidental. Example, I am from the grand ole south living in New York and I both praise and complain about it. Being from that lovely part of the country it has often been a debate between my husband and I for years whether to move back or not. Well we have unanimously decided we hate being in the terrible renting loop we seem to be in here. Plus I find it ironic that this fabulous job that his “boss” tells him he is a shoe in for keeps placing him on the back burner and pushing the full-time availability date…why are these people REFUSING to retire!

Anyways, as of right now we are going through a period of change. We are talking about so many things and making all sorts of plans to make everything work and the tiring thing is….that it is tiring! In the next up coming weeks we will be becoming more and more clear and hopefully the road that God wants us to take will become straight. He never opens a door without opening another. I don’t believe I have prayed so much in my life!!! I am just so impatient! 🙂 So if anyone wants to pray for us to have understanding and a smooth transition, that would be great!!

Goes to show you that God has his own timeline…

Completely random but who said personal blogs had to be stuffy? 🙂